18.1.04
Paul and I broke up.
It is a long story - a long painful story which I will tell whenever my heart stops breaking, if that ever happens.
The worst bit to swallow is that I still love him and he still loves me - that's what makes it all so incomprehensible. But like I said, it's a long story.
It is a long story - a long painful story which I will tell whenever my heart stops breaking, if that ever happens.
The worst bit to swallow is that I still love him and he still loves me - that's what makes it all so incomprehensible. But like I said, it's a long story.
3.12.03
It is quarter to four in the morning and I can't sleep because my pills are making me hyper. Much glaring upon the medical world. In case this doesn't make sense, let me elaborate. I have finally cracked from the strain of the depression I suffer and the physical illness that I was suffering because of it. (Stomach cramps and the like, lack of concentration, exhaustion, fear of leaving my house etc etc...) So I have dramatically changed my tune about my ability to work through this stuff in a happy unmedicated way and my doctor has prescribed me anti-depressants.
These pills are great things, they tell me. They say "These pills will make you happy, they will give you energy, they will make the badness go away and make you physically better and make life a happy orderly bubble of drugged up medicated joy haze." What they don't say is "These pills will make you so fucking HYPER you'll be scary, these pills will mess up your LIBIDO, they will give you the inability to be SAD EVER AGAIN (when being sad isn't always a bad thing) and they will make it so that you CANNOT SLEEP! (I wish there was like a double capitals thing I could do with sleep there...)
Now... In case anybody is about to take heavy offense and go off on a pro-drugs rant in my notes section, let me just remind you again that it is QUARTER TO FOUR in the MORNING. And I am SOBER so there really is no excuse. If I was unmedicated I would already have been sleeping heavily for about six hours and I'd be sleeping for another eight. Honestly. Bed is like the most uninviting place right now though because I won't be able to lie still - I will FIDGET and my mind will wander MADLY and I'll feel like I'm shaking all over. I'm not even DRUNK. If I was drunk I would sleep. I was very drunk and happy last night as we had a party because April is going back to America. I fell asleep the minute my head hit the pillow - I felt fucking ROUGH this morning though. Here's the other point. April is leaving again. She has only been here for a week to visit and I miss her like crazy when she is back in the States yet I can't even feel sad that she is leaving. How much does that suck? That I WANT to feel sad but I fucking CAN'T. (Apologies about the overuse of the word fuck but I do that when I'm kinda... weird...)
The only stability in my life right now is home (home in Cork, not Clonmel), the two guys I live with and Paul. College is fucking killing me, I hate my job and my apologies to everyone involved in it but I so don't want to have any part in WARPS or WARPcon right now as they're the main things that did my head in so badly at the moment. So I am ignoring WARPS a little bit despite the fact that I'm meant to be running it - my committee are good people who can manage on their own but I still feel so bad that I can't make myself do this stuff. The thought of going to gaming tonight was just too much for me - I had to spend the last few hours with April too - and the thought of the table quiz in the pub tomorrow is just horrifying me.
I want to be a recluse. And live on a mountain. With Paul. And Sky Digital. And the Internet. And those little bottles of French beer you can buy in Aldi for about 50 cent a pop.(Yes, I understand that pretty much completely undermines my desire to be a recluse but I never said I wanted your opinion on what your definition of a recluse is. So there.)
Now. Now I will stop ranting in your ear (in your face?) and go take out my expendable energy upon the remote control.
Goodnight... all you sleeping people... (... bastards ...)
These pills are great things, they tell me. They say "These pills will make you happy, they will give you energy, they will make the badness go away and make you physically better and make life a happy orderly bubble of drugged up medicated joy haze." What they don't say is "These pills will make you so fucking HYPER you'll be scary, these pills will mess up your LIBIDO, they will give you the inability to be SAD EVER AGAIN (when being sad isn't always a bad thing) and they will make it so that you CANNOT SLEEP! (I wish there was like a double capitals thing I could do with sleep there...)
Now... In case anybody is about to take heavy offense and go off on a pro-drugs rant in my notes section, let me just remind you again that it is QUARTER TO FOUR in the MORNING. And I am SOBER so there really is no excuse. If I was unmedicated I would already have been sleeping heavily for about six hours and I'd be sleeping for another eight. Honestly. Bed is like the most uninviting place right now though because I won't be able to lie still - I will FIDGET and my mind will wander MADLY and I'll feel like I'm shaking all over. I'm not even DRUNK. If I was drunk I would sleep. I was very drunk and happy last night as we had a party because April is going back to America. I fell asleep the minute my head hit the pillow - I felt fucking ROUGH this morning though. Here's the other point. April is leaving again. She has only been here for a week to visit and I miss her like crazy when she is back in the States yet I can't even feel sad that she is leaving. How much does that suck? That I WANT to feel sad but I fucking CAN'T. (Apologies about the overuse of the word fuck but I do that when I'm kinda... weird...)
The only stability in my life right now is home (home in Cork, not Clonmel), the two guys I live with and Paul. College is fucking killing me, I hate my job and my apologies to everyone involved in it but I so don't want to have any part in WARPS or WARPcon right now as they're the main things that did my head in so badly at the moment. So I am ignoring WARPS a little bit despite the fact that I'm meant to be running it - my committee are good people who can manage on their own but I still feel so bad that I can't make myself do this stuff. The thought of going to gaming tonight was just too much for me - I had to spend the last few hours with April too - and the thought of the table quiz in the pub tomorrow is just horrifying me.
I want to be a recluse. And live on a mountain. With Paul. And Sky Digital. And the Internet. And those little bottles of French beer you can buy in Aldi for about 50 cent a pop.(Yes, I understand that pretty much completely undermines my desire to be a recluse but I never said I wanted your opinion on what your definition of a recluse is. So there.)
Now. Now I will stop ranting in your ear (in your face?) and go take out my expendable energy upon the remote control.
Goodnight... all you sleeping people... (... bastards ...)
5.11.03
Ok... lots of stuff. It's been somewhat a long time since I've written anything in this but I've been up the walls and only recently got the guys to hook up my (brand spanking new slinky black flatscreen!) computer to the Network and sort out my internet problems. Yes. The computer is spiffy. It also cost me a fortune and I'll be paying back the loan for two years so don't bother getting jealous! So hmm... let's do this logically.
The Dog
The 'Dog' (otherwise known as Cerberus, Russ or Elpod - Little Puppy Of Destruction) belongs to Roger and is the most excitable, hyperactive creature I have ever encountered in my entire life. It took two months to get him to stop shitting on the floor. Wonderful. At least he's semi-housetrained now though it could be far better - oh well, can't complain, at least I dont' have to clean the carpets every ten minutes now!!
The Flatmate
Following the recent escapades with our old flatmate being a leper bastard who took complete advantage of us, the new flatmate is working out significantly better then I'd expected. He likes the dog, he gets on with us and our friends - isn't put off by how odd they all are! - and pays his rent on time. He's an all-round good guy and fits in fine.
WARPS
Where to start? Assassins went pretty well - about ten people killed though there were 80 playing, which could have been higher, but it was a lot of fun nonetheless. Some showed up at the Masquerade Ball we held last Friday so it's nice that they didn't just want to play the game then pretend they never had an association with us! Masquerade Ball was a great success - lots of beer drank, lots of good costumes and great prizes, overall just a fantastic night. I haven't been out for a night-out in the pub/club for months so it was good to let my hair down...
That's all for now... serious stuff at a later date.
The Dog
The 'Dog' (otherwise known as Cerberus, Russ or Elpod - Little Puppy Of Destruction) belongs to Roger and is the most excitable, hyperactive creature I have ever encountered in my entire life. It took two months to get him to stop shitting on the floor. Wonderful. At least he's semi-housetrained now though it could be far better - oh well, can't complain, at least I dont' have to clean the carpets every ten minutes now!!
The Flatmate
Following the recent escapades with our old flatmate being a leper bastard who took complete advantage of us, the new flatmate is working out significantly better then I'd expected. He likes the dog, he gets on with us and our friends - isn't put off by how odd they all are! - and pays his rent on time. He's an all-round good guy and fits in fine.
WARPS
Where to start? Assassins went pretty well - about ten people killed though there were 80 playing, which could have been higher, but it was a lot of fun nonetheless. Some showed up at the Masquerade Ball we held last Friday so it's nice that they didn't just want to play the game then pretend they never had an association with us! Masquerade Ball was a great success - lots of beer drank, lots of good costumes and great prizes, overall just a fantastic night. I haven't been out for a night-out in the pub/club for months so it was good to let my hair down...
That's all for now... serious stuff at a later date.
27.9.03
Ok. Well, good news first. I managed to pass both my exams and have gotten lots of information about doing a joint major in English and French - my introductory lectures are next week and the following week I should be back into full lectures. French information is scarce until next week but in English I think I've decided on the following: a critical practise seminar in either detective fiction or the myth of Dracula in novels and film, and five courses in the Canterbury Tales, Shakespeare Studies, Romance and Realism, American Cinema and 18th Century Fiction. Really looking forward to them all, will get to the sign-ups early to make sure I get everything I want.
Everything is on course for the Societies Day next week - Thomas had problems getting hold of the woman who books the room we wanted for our introductory gaming night but I managed to get hold of her on Thursday and have it booked so all that is fine. And lots of people have offered to help out.
Now the badness. One of the guys I was living with has left me and hte other guy I live with, with a debt of nearly 1500 Euro. Needless to say I am extremely upset and angry about how he has treated us. He got ten weeks behind on rent (though I believe that he actually got about 6 weeks behind and took money belonging to us from the rent book when we weren't there) and he didn't pay the electricity bill which we gave him money for so that is now in arrears. We have kicked him out and are hoping to sort out the rent without resorting to the small claims court. The electricity bill is in his name so the landlord will ring the ESB and tell them we are new tenants, and they should chase him down for any money he owes on that. I also have somebody who is interested in living with us so hopefully it will work out but... really. I am so angry. And so sad about this. Not alone did he treat us like this, but he is meant to be a friend - I wouldn't even treat strangers like that.
So... overall it was a bad week but now that it is being sorted I feel slightly more good about the whole thing.
Everything is on course for the Societies Day next week - Thomas had problems getting hold of the woman who books the room we wanted for our introductory gaming night but I managed to get hold of her on Thursday and have it booked so all that is fine. And lots of people have offered to help out.
Now the badness. One of the guys I was living with has left me and hte other guy I live with, with a debt of nearly 1500 Euro. Needless to say I am extremely upset and angry about how he has treated us. He got ten weeks behind on rent (though I believe that he actually got about 6 weeks behind and took money belonging to us from the rent book when we weren't there) and he didn't pay the electricity bill which we gave him money for so that is now in arrears. We have kicked him out and are hoping to sort out the rent without resorting to the small claims court. The electricity bill is in his name so the landlord will ring the ESB and tell them we are new tenants, and they should chase him down for any money he owes on that. I also have somebody who is interested in living with us so hopefully it will work out but... really. I am so angry. And so sad about this. Not alone did he treat us like this, but he is meant to be a friend - I wouldn't even treat strangers like that.
So... overall it was a bad week but now that it is being sorted I feel slightly more good about the whole thing.
16.9.03
Ok - this will be a short entry as my time is a bit limited (am on my lunch break). I know I haven't written in ages but I will catch up.
News in brief:
I did my repeat exams and I think they went reasonably well but I still don't know for certain. My results are due tomorrow. I am so nervous I could throw up - if I fail these I will be absolutely crushed.
Paul and I went to Budapest for the week. It was a little bit strained for a couple of reasons. One being that I have never gone on holiday with somebody else before and am used to just getting out and doing everything I want to do - having to make checks with somebody else first was slightly frustrating. We couldn't do quite a lot of things because of the problems Paul has with his legs and the problems I have with my knees and back so that was disappointing. And our energy levels peeked at different times - when we arrived I was ready to go do lots of stuff but Paul was tired from the travel etc, and when he got his energy back mine started to falter. So we snapped at each other a bit due to tiredness and pains in our respective problem areas - we finally sat down and talked about what was bothering us and managed to work it out. I am so thankful to be in love with somebody I can talk to about everything and so thankful that we both would do anything to try and make the other happy /comfortable. So in the end we had a great holiday and I am waiting on the pics to be developed!
This week is my last week of full-time work. I am happy about moving back to Cork full-time (assuming the exams go ok) but I am also comfortable now with my full-time work so .. the money will be tight, but I have saved money so I should be ok.
I am going to buy a computer! Jason says he will help me find what I need and I will get it off Dell (I will pay for it through money I've been putting into a college fund my parents set up for me when I was teeny.)
And that's about it for the moment. More later - will let everyone know how the exams go.
News in brief:
I did my repeat exams and I think they went reasonably well but I still don't know for certain. My results are due tomorrow. I am so nervous I could throw up - if I fail these I will be absolutely crushed.
Paul and I went to Budapest for the week. It was a little bit strained for a couple of reasons. One being that I have never gone on holiday with somebody else before and am used to just getting out and doing everything I want to do - having to make checks with somebody else first was slightly frustrating. We couldn't do quite a lot of things because of the problems Paul has with his legs and the problems I have with my knees and back so that was disappointing. And our energy levels peeked at different times - when we arrived I was ready to go do lots of stuff but Paul was tired from the travel etc, and when he got his energy back mine started to falter. So we snapped at each other a bit due to tiredness and pains in our respective problem areas - we finally sat down and talked about what was bothering us and managed to work it out. I am so thankful to be in love with somebody I can talk to about everything and so thankful that we both would do anything to try and make the other happy /comfortable. So in the end we had a great holiday and I am waiting on the pics to be developed!
This week is my last week of full-time work. I am happy about moving back to Cork full-time (assuming the exams go ok) but I am also comfortable now with my full-time work so .. the money will be tight, but I have saved money so I should be ok.
I am going to buy a computer! Jason says he will help me find what I need and I will get it off Dell (I will pay for it through money I've been putting into a college fund my parents set up for me when I was teeny.)
And that's about it for the moment. More later - will let everyone know how the exams go.
30.8.03
Holiday checklists:
Six batteries - check
Kodak Advantix Film (40) - check
Mobile Phone Credit - check
Holiday Pay - check, check, check!!!!
Budapest City Guide - check
Reading material (Stupid White Men, City of Beasts, Sandman No.8) - check
Pill - check
Crossword book for airplane - check
Extreme excitement - check check check!
I haven't been on a holiday in nearly four years. I am so excited - I cannot wait to get on that airplane. Of course, that checklist is just what I had to buy today - the actual checklist for packing is yet to be completed.
But man am I excited!!!
Six batteries - check
Kodak Advantix Film (40) - check
Mobile Phone Credit - check
Holiday Pay - check, check, check!!!!
Budapest City Guide - check
Reading material (Stupid White Men, City of Beasts, Sandman No.8) - check
Pill - check
Crossword book for airplane - check
Extreme excitement - check check check!
I haven't been on a holiday in nearly four years. I am so excited - I cannot wait to get on that airplane. Of course, that checklist is just what I had to buy today - the actual checklist for packing is yet to be completed.
But man am I excited!!!
23.8.03
What is it about everything happening at the same time? It seems this week that major life changes are happening to everybody I know/everybody the people I know happen to know.
To start off, my friend Niamh finally had her baby. She's 20 years old and now she has this huge responsibility for the rest of her life. She had to go into the hospital on Thursday morning and she had a Caesarian. She had a girl - no names yet, she was so huge during her term that everyone thought she was going to have a boy, so they'd only chosen boys names. Her boyfriend is sticking by her [for the moment] and they're renting a house that Niamh's father owns. But Niamh wasn't permanent at her job for long enough so she hasn't got full maternity leave - just 120 Euro a week or something like that. And her boyfriend doesn't have a job at the moment. It's going to be really hard for them. It was a bit of a fright, at the time, though I'm used to the idea of her being a mother now - the scariest thing was thinking that her Pill had failed, but I found out afterwards that she wasn't ever on the Pill because she was worried about the weight implications.
Paul's sister is pregnant too. She's only 19, the same as me, and has only been with this guy for about as long as I've known Paul. As far as I know, her's was a Pill failure, though I'm not sure and I don't know the girl personally. But it's scary - thankfully, like Niamh, the boyfriend is sticking by her. But also like Niamh... I guess it's only for the moment. Who knows what could happen?
My cousin got engaged on Thursday too - she's been with this guy for years and they finally decided to take the plunge.
Two friends of ours, Claire and Dennis, have been living together for ages. Dennis finally hit his knee and they got engaged last night - don't know when the party will be, but there will definitely be one.
Another two friends of ours, Sadhbh and Fiki, have been living together for ages. They got engaged and were planning to buy a house - they'd already picked out the house and made their first attempts to sort out their mortgage. Last night they broke up. That's the biggest shock of all, out of everything that's happened this week - I never knew one without the other, it's really hard to imagine.
Times like this make me really grateful for what I have. I have a great family and a relationship with a wonderful person. Both of us are healthy. We're madly in love and have even talked every now and then about the scary 'future' - but right now we're happy and settled with what we have. We have the freedom to go on a holiday and spend as much time as we can with each other without anything else to bother us - we haven't got to deal with the possibility of this all falling apart because right now it's a very far and distant possibility. And I don't have to deal with the stress of an unexpected pregnancy or anything like that. So I'm lucky and I'm thankful for that.
It's not all bad though - and all the people I've mentioned will make the best of the lives they will lead with these new incidents in their lives - still, I don't envy them the seriousness of the decisions they've made or not made, as the case may be.
Still... wow... everything always happens at once huh?
Current news on me is this: I'm exhausted, dealing with the national Fleadh Ceoil (Irish Music Festival). The rough estimate is a couple of hundred thousand visitors to the town - this is a town that usually has about 20,000 people in it. So work is absolutely hectic. I'm going to Cork tomorrow night and my exams are all next week. My oral and a three hour Italian written on Monday, a dictation and 1 1/2 hour Italian written on Tuesday, and a three hour Italian history exam on Thursday. Major celebration of the end of all that will be due on Thursday night and then the week after it's off to Budapest with myself and my better half. Once the exams are over I will hopefully be in the clear - I hope. All I can do is do my best and hope that I get through these. If I don't, at least I have the support of my family and friends and boyfriend. And at the end of the day, that's the most important thing isn't it? To love, and be loved, and be happy.
Peace.
To start off, my friend Niamh finally had her baby. She's 20 years old and now she has this huge responsibility for the rest of her life. She had to go into the hospital on Thursday morning and she had a Caesarian. She had a girl - no names yet, she was so huge during her term that everyone thought she was going to have a boy, so they'd only chosen boys names. Her boyfriend is sticking by her [for the moment] and they're renting a house that Niamh's father owns. But Niamh wasn't permanent at her job for long enough so she hasn't got full maternity leave - just 120 Euro a week or something like that. And her boyfriend doesn't have a job at the moment. It's going to be really hard for them. It was a bit of a fright, at the time, though I'm used to the idea of her being a mother now - the scariest thing was thinking that her Pill had failed, but I found out afterwards that she wasn't ever on the Pill because she was worried about the weight implications.
Paul's sister is pregnant too. She's only 19, the same as me, and has only been with this guy for about as long as I've known Paul. As far as I know, her's was a Pill failure, though I'm not sure and I don't know the girl personally. But it's scary - thankfully, like Niamh, the boyfriend is sticking by her. But also like Niamh... I guess it's only for the moment. Who knows what could happen?
My cousin got engaged on Thursday too - she's been with this guy for years and they finally decided to take the plunge.
Two friends of ours, Claire and Dennis, have been living together for ages. Dennis finally hit his knee and they got engaged last night - don't know when the party will be, but there will definitely be one.
Another two friends of ours, Sadhbh and Fiki, have been living together for ages. They got engaged and were planning to buy a house - they'd already picked out the house and made their first attempts to sort out their mortgage. Last night they broke up. That's the biggest shock of all, out of everything that's happened this week - I never knew one without the other, it's really hard to imagine.
Times like this make me really grateful for what I have. I have a great family and a relationship with a wonderful person. Both of us are healthy. We're madly in love and have even talked every now and then about the scary 'future' - but right now we're happy and settled with what we have. We have the freedom to go on a holiday and spend as much time as we can with each other without anything else to bother us - we haven't got to deal with the possibility of this all falling apart because right now it's a very far and distant possibility. And I don't have to deal with the stress of an unexpected pregnancy or anything like that. So I'm lucky and I'm thankful for that.
It's not all bad though - and all the people I've mentioned will make the best of the lives they will lead with these new incidents in their lives - still, I don't envy them the seriousness of the decisions they've made or not made, as the case may be.
Still... wow... everything always happens at once huh?
Current news on me is this: I'm exhausted, dealing with the national Fleadh Ceoil (Irish Music Festival). The rough estimate is a couple of hundred thousand visitors to the town - this is a town that usually has about 20,000 people in it. So work is absolutely hectic. I'm going to Cork tomorrow night and my exams are all next week. My oral and a three hour Italian written on Monday, a dictation and 1 1/2 hour Italian written on Tuesday, and a three hour Italian history exam on Thursday. Major celebration of the end of all that will be due on Thursday night and then the week after it's off to Budapest with myself and my better half. Once the exams are over I will hopefully be in the clear - I hope. All I can do is do my best and hope that I get through these. If I don't, at least I have the support of my family and friends and boyfriend. And at the end of the day, that's the most important thing isn't it? To love, and be loved, and be happy.
Peace.
